SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER (1773) (ctd) Oliver Goldsmith Act II An old-fashioned house. Enter Hardcastle, followed by three or four aukward Servants. Hardcastle Well, 1 hope you're perfect in the table exercise I have been teaching you these three days. You all know your posts and your places, and can shew that you have been used to good company, without ever stirring from home. Omnes Ay, ay. Hardcastle When company comes, you are not to pop out and stare, and then run in again, like frighted rabbits in a warren. Omnes No, no. Hardcastle You, Diggory, whom I have taken from the barn, are to make a shew at the side-table; and you, Roger, whom I have advanced from the plough, are to place yourself behind my chair. But you're not to stand so, with your hands in your pockets. Take your hands from your pockets, Roger; and from your head, you blockhead you. See how Diggory carries his hands. They're a little too stiff, indeed, but that's no great matter. Diggory Ay, mind how I hold thern. Ilearned to hold my hands this way, when I was upon drill for the militia. And so being upon drill - Hardcastle You must not he so talkative, Diggory. You must be all attention to the guests. You must bear us talk, and not think of talking; you must see us drink, and not think of drinking; you must see us eat, and not think of eating. Diggory By the laws, your worship, that's perfectly unpossible. Whenever Diggory sees eating going forward, ecod he's always wishing for a mouthful himself. Hardcastle Blockhead! Is not a belly-full in the kitchen as good as a belly-full in the parlour? Stay your stomach with that reflection. Diggory Ecod 1 thank your worship, I'll make a shift to stay my stomach with a slice of cold beef in the pantry. Hardcastle Diggory, you are too talkative. Then if I happen to say a good thing, or tell a good story at table, you must not all burst out a-laughing, as if you made part of the company. Diggory Then ecod your worship must not tell the story of Ould Grouse in the gun-room: I can't help laughing at that - he! he! he! - for the soul of me. We have laughed at that these twenty years - ha! ha! ha! Hardcastle Ha! ha! ha! The story is a good one. Well, honest, Diggory, you may laugh at that - but still remember to be attentive. Suppose one of the company should call for a glass; of wine, how will you behave? A glass of wine, Sir, if you please (to Diggory) - Eh, why don't you move? Diggory Ecod, your worship, I never have courage till I see the eatables and drinkables brought upo' the table, and then I'm as bauld as a lion. Hardcastle What, will no body move? First Servant I'm not to leave this pleace. Second Servant I'm sure it's no pleace of mine. Third Servnat Nor mine, for sartain. Diggory Wauns, and I'm sure it canna be mine. Hardcastle You numbskulls! and so while, like your betters, you are quarrelling for places, the guests must be starved. O you dunces! I find I must begin all over again ~ But don't I hear a coach drive into the yard? To your posts, you blockheads. I'll go in the mean time and give my old friend's son a hearty reception at the gate. Exit Hardcastle Diggory By the elevens, my pleace is gone quite out of my head. Roger I know that my pleace is to be every where. First Servant Where the devil is mine? Second Servant My pleace is to be no where at all; and so Ize go about my business. Exeunt Servants, running about as if frighted, different ways. Enter Servant with candles, shewing in Marlow and Hastings. Servant Welcome, gentlemen, very welcome. This way. Hastings After the disappointments of the day, welcome once more, Charles, to the comforts of a clean room and a good fire. Upon my word, a very well-looking house, antique, but creditable. Marlow The usual fate of a large mansion. Having first ruined the master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as an inn. Hastings As you say, we passengers are to be taxed to pay all these fineries. I have often seen a good sideboard, or a marble chimney-piece, tho' not actually put in the bill, enflame a reckoning confoundedly. Marlow Travellers, George, must pay in all places. The only difference is, that in good inns, you pay dearly for luxuries; in bad ones, you are fleeced and starved. Hastings You have lived pretty much among them. In truth, I have been often surprised, that you who have seen so much of the world, with your natural good sense, and your many oppor-tunities, could never yet acquire a requisite share of assurance. Marlow The Englishman's malady. But tell me, George, where could I have learned that assurance you talk of? My life has been chiefly spent in a college, or an inn, in seclusion from that lovely part of the creation that chiefly teach men confidence. I don't know that I was ever familiarly acquainted with a single modest woman - except my mother - But among females of another class you know - Hastings Ay, among them you are impudent enough of all conscience. Marlow They are of us you know. Hastings But in the company of women of reputation I never saw such an idiot, such a trembler; you look for all the world as if you wanted an opportunity of stealing out of the room. Marlow Why man that's because I do want to steal out of the room. Faith, I have often formed a resolution to break the ice, and rattle away at any rate. But I don't know how, a single glance from a pair of fine eyes has totally overset my resolution. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but I'll be hanged if a modest man can ever counterfeit impudence. Hastings If you could but say half the fine things to them that I have heard you lavish upon the bar-maid of an inn, or even a college bed maker - Marlow Why, George, I can't say fine things to them. They freeze, they petrify me. They may talk of a comet, or a burning mountain, or some such bagatelle. But to me, a modest woman, drest out in all her finery, is the most tremendous object of the whole creation. Hastings Ha! ha! ha! At this rate, man, how can you ever expect to marry! Marlow Never, unless as among kings and princes, my bride were to be courted by proxy. If, indeed, like an Eastern bridegroom, one were to be introduced to a wife he never saw before, it might he endured. But to go through all the terrors of a formal courtship, together with the episode of aunts, grandmothers and cousins, and at last to blurt out the broad staring question, of, madam will you marry me? No, no, that's a strain much above me Iassure you. Hastings I pity you. But how do you intend behaving the lady you are come down to visit at the request of your father? Marlow As 1 behave to all other ladies. Bow very low. Answer yes, or no, to all her demands - But for the rest, I don't think I shall venture to look in her face, till I see my father's again. Hastings I'm surprised that one who is so warm a friend can be so cool a lover. Marlow To be explicit, my dear Hastings, my chief inducement down was to be instrumental in forwarding your happiness, not my own. Miss Neville loves you, the family don't know you, as my friend you are sure of a reception, and let honour do the rest. Hastings My dear Marlow! But I'll suppress the emotion. Were I a wretch, meanly seeking to carry off a fortune, you should be the last man in the world I would apply to for assistance. But Miss Neville's person is all Iask, and that is mine, both from her deceased father's consent, and her own inclination. Marlow Happy man! You have talents and art to captivate any woman. I'm doom'd to adore the sex, and yet to converse with the only part of it I despise. This stammer in my address, and this aukward prepossessing visage of mine, can never permit me to soar above the reach of a milliner's 'prentic, or one of the dutchesses of Drury-lane. Pshaw! this fellow here to interrupt us. Enter Hardcastle Hardcastle Gentlemen, once more you are heartily welcome. Which is Mr Marlow? Sir, you're heartily welcome. It's not my way, you see, to receive my friends with my back to the fire. I like to give them a hearty reception in the old stile at my gate. I like to see their horses and trunks taken care of. Marlow (Aside) He has got our names from the servants already. (To him) We approve your caution and hospitality, Sir. (To Hastings) I have been thinking, George, of changing our travelling dresses in the morning. I am grown confoundedly ashamed of mine. Hardcastle I beg, Mr Marlow, you'll use no ceremony in this house. Hastings I fancy, Charles, you're right: the first blow is half the battle. I intend opening the campaign with the white and gold. Hardcastle Mr Marlow - Mr Hastings - gentlemen - pray be under no constraint in this house. This is Liberty-hall, gentlemen. You may do just as you please here. Marlow Yet, George, if we open the campaign too fiercely at first, we may want ammunition before it is over. I think to reserve the embroidery to secure a retreat. Hardcastle Your talking of a retreat, Mr Marlow, puts me in mind of the Duke of Marlborough, when we went to besiege Denain. He first summoned the garrison. Marlow Don't you think the ventre d'or waistcoat will do with the plain brown? Hardcastle He first summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men - Hastings I think not: Brown and yellow mix but very poorly. Hardcastle I say, gentlemen, as I was telling you, he summoned the garrison, which might consist of about five thousand men - Marlow The girls like finery. Hardcastle Which might consist of about five thousand men, well appointed with stores, ammunition, and other implements of war. Now, says the Duke of Marlborough, to George Brooks, that stood next to him - You must have heard of George Brooks; I'll pawn my Dukedom, says he, but I take that garrison without spilling a drop of blood. So - Marlow What, my good friend, if you gave us a glass of punch in the mean time, it would help us to carry on the siege with vigour. Hardcastle Punch, Sir! (Aside) This is the most unaccountable kind of modesty I ever met with. Marlow Yes, Sir, Punch. A glass of warm punch, after our journey, will he comfortable. This is Liberty-hall, you know. Hardcastle Here's cup, Sir. Marlow (Aside) So this fellow, in his Liberty-hall, will only let us have just what he pleases. Hardcastle (Taking the cup) I hope you'll find it to your mind. I have prepared it with my own hands, and I believe you'll own the ingredients are tolerable. Will you, be so good as to pledge me, Sir? Here, Mr Marlow, here is to our better acquaintance. (Drinks) Marlow (Aside) A very impudent fellow this! but he's a character, and I'll humour him a little. Sir, my service (Drinks) Hastings (Aside) I see this fellow wants to give us his company, and forgets that he's an innkeeper, before he has to learned to be a gentleman. Marlow From the excellence of your cup, my old friend, I suppose you have a good deal of business in this part of the country. Warm work, now and then, at elections, I suppose. Hardcastle No, Sir, I have long given that work over. Since our betters have hit upon the expedient of electing each other there's no business for us that sell ale. Hastings So, then you have no turn for politics I find. Hardcastle Not in the least. There was a time, indeed, I fretted myself about the mistakes of government, like other people; but finding myself every day grow more angry, and the government growing no better, I left it to mend itself. Since that, 1 no more trouble my head about Heyder Ally, or Ally Cawn, than about Ally Croaker. Sir, my service to you. Hastings So that with eating above stairs, and drinking below, with receiving your friends without, and amusing them within, you lead a good pleasant bustling life of it. Hardcastle I do stir about a great deal, that's certain. Half the differences of the parish are adjusted in this very parlour. Marlow (After drinking) And you have an argument in your cup, old gentleman, better than any in Westminster-hall. Hardcastle Ay, young gentleman, that, and a little philosophy. Marlow (Aside) Well, this is the first time Iever heard of an inn-keeper's philosophy. Hastings So then, like an experienced general, you attack them on every quarter. If you find their reason manageable, you attack it with your philosophy; if you find they have no reason, you attack them with this. Here's your health, my philosopher. (Drinks) Hardcastle Good, very good, thank you; ha, ha. Your Generalship puts me in mind of Prince Eugene, when he fought the Turks at the battle of Belgrade. You shall hear. Marlow Instead of the battle of Belgrade, I believe it's almost time to talk about supper. What has your philosophy got in the house for supper? Hardcastle For supper, Sir! (Aside) Was ever such a request to a man in his own house! Marlow Yes, Sir, supper Sir; I begin to feel an appetite. I shall make devilish work to-night in the larder, I promise you. Hardcastle (Aside) Such a brazen dog sure never my eyes beheld. (To him) Why really, Sir, as for supper I can't well tell. My Dorothy, and the cook maid, settle these things between them. I leave these kind of things entirely to them. Marlow You do, do you? Hardcastle Entirely. By-the-bye, I believe they are in actual consultation upon what's for supper this moment in the kitchen. Marlow Then I beg they'll admit me as one of their privy council. It's a way I have got. When I travel, I always chuse to regulate my own supper. Let the cook be called. No offence I hope, Sir. Hardcastle O no, Sir, none in the least; yet i don't know how: our Bridget, the cook maid, is not very communicative upon these occasions. Should we send for her, she might scold us all out of the house. Hastings Let's see your list of the larder then. I ask it as a favour. I always match my appetite to my bill of fare. Marlow (To Hardwstle, who looks at them with surprise) Sir, he's very right, and it's my way too. Hardcastle Sir, you have a right to command here. Here, Roger, bring us the bill of fare for to-night's supper. I believe it's drawn out. Your manner, Mr Hastings, puts me in mind of my uncle, Colonel Wallop. It was a saying of his, that no man was sure of his supper till he had eaten it. Enter Roger, who gives a bill of fare Hastings (Aside) All upon the high ropes! His uncle a Colonel! We shall soon hear of his mother being a justice of peace. But let's hear the bill of fare. Marlow (Perusing.) What's here? For the first course; for the second course; for the dessert. The devil, Sir, do you think we have brought down the whole joiners Company, or the Corporation of Bedford, to eat up such a supper? Two or three little things, clean and comfortable, will do. Hastings But, let's hear it. Marlow (Reading) For the first course at the top, a pig, pruin sauce. Hastings Damn your pig, I say. Marlow And damn your pruin sauce, say I. Hardcastle And yet, gentlemen, to men that are hungry, pig, with pruin sauce, is very good eating. Marlow At the bottom, a calve's tongue and brains. Hastings Let your brains be knock'd out, my good Sir; I don't like them. Marlow Or you may clap them on a plate by themselves. I do. Hardcastle (Aside) Their impudence confounds me. (To them) Gentlemen, you are my guests, make what alterations you please. Is there any thing else you wish to retrench or alter, gentlemen? Marlow Item. A pork pie, a boiled rabbet and sausages, a florentine, a shaking pudding, and a dish of tiff - taff - taffety cream! Hastings Confound your made dishes, I shall be as much at a loss in this house as at a green and yellow dinner at the French ambassador's table. I'm for plain eating. Hardcastle I'm sorry, gentlemen, that I have nothing you like, but if there be any thing you have a particular fancy to- Marlow Why, really, Sir, your bill of fare is so exquisite, that any one part of it is full as good as another. Send us what you please. So much for supper. And now to see that our beds are air'd, and properly taken care of. Hardcastle I entreat you'll leave all that to me. You shall not stir a step. Marlow Leave that to you! I protest, Sir, you must excuse me, I always look at these things myself. Hardcastle I must insist, Sir, you'll make yourself easy on that head. Marlow You see I'm resolved on it. (Aside) A very troublesome fellow this,as ever I met with. Hardcastle Well, Sir, I'm resolved at least to attend you. (Aside) This may be modern modesty, but I never say any thing look so like old-fasioned impudence.   Return to 'Scene, An Inn? and horrible gin' home page Back to the previous scene Top of the page